Due to inclement weather, I will not be able to chase you to the airport, so I am instead sending you this series of texts. I will be brief, because I do not have a great cell phone plan.
First, I’m sorry I lied to you about being a fancy venture capitalist. The truth is, I work at a pizza restaurant. I’m even more sorry that you found out because I had to deliver pizza to your big board meeting, while also giving a big presentation at that same board meeting. In retrospect, I can see how that might have embarrassed you, and I’d understand if you never wanted to see me again.
But if there’s anything I’ve learned from my obnoxious, party animal best friend who recently started hooking up with your sarcastic, tightly wound best girl friend, it’s that love is strange, and unpredictable. Who’s to say that a charming, laid back pizza restaurant employee and a Type-A, workaholic business lady with a secret heart of gold can’t wind up together?
I know it’s hard, but you have to remember the good times. Remember when we went to the park, and walked around while that James Blunt song played in the background? Remember when spent that night doing adorable things to bond while that Ben Harper song played in the background? And remember when we finally kissed for the first time while that ballad by Snow Patrol played in the background? Sure, you got all confused about your feelings and had to run away after that, but you can’t deny that that moment was super romantic.
Our time together has meant so much to me, and it’s changed me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. That stern talking to you gave me about my wasted potential has inspired me to go back and finally take the Bar Exam! And I’ve heard that my little pep talk we had after you got uncharacteristically drunk and sang that Stevie Nicks song in front of that entire restaurant inspired you to stand up to your bitchy, passive aggressive co-worker who keeps undermining you and taking credit for your ideas.
My point is, we’ve been good for each other, and it would be a tragedy if you let my foolish deceit get in the way of something this special!
I hope you get these texts before you get on your flight to London, where you’re supposed to be doing business stuff for the next two years, and I hope you realize that we’re meant to be together.
And if not, I understand. But please don’t go through with your plans of marrying Bradley. I overheard him in the bathroom, and he’s using you to get his big merger deal to go through…
Sincerely, Mid-2000s Matthew McConaughey
Pryorball. 