Grab your atgeirs, people! We’re going to Valhalla!
Gondul, as I’m sure you’re aware. is a valkyrie. Sent by Odin (along with another valkyrie who we won’t mention because fuck her, this is Gonduls’ show) to pick and choose who gets to go to Valhalla as part of a poem, because the Norse really know how to make metered rhyme badass.
At any rate, Gondul gives warrior Haakon the go-ahead to travel to Valhalla, where he will eventually fight Fenrir, a giant wolf.
Okay.
Now, far be it from me to impugn anybodys religion. People should feel free to worship whatever they want in whatever manner they see fit, excluding fake movie religions that bank heavily on human sacrifice, which I’m still not progressive enough to get behind.
However, I think that we can probably all acknowledge that compared to the tenets of the Viking Bible, most belief systems are fairly vanilla.
So if we look at Valhalla as the Norse equivalent of Heaven (and we will, because key to my methodology is reducing complex concepts to an easily understood, much dumber version of themselves in order to score cheap points; nice work if you can get it), then we must accept the basic idea that you only get into viking heaven by getting killed in battle.
But you can’t just get killed in battle; any lame fuck can do that. No, you have to have a five star, top shelf, all-singing, all-dancing glorious death to even be considered for it.
To put this in relatable terms for modern audiences, let’s think of it like this: let’s say in Christianity that the only was to get into Heaven was to get yourself caught in a trap by the Jigsaw Killer from ‘Saw’.
And not that bullshit Costas Mandaylor one. Tobin Bell only.
(Though in a pinch, Shawnee Smith is also acceptable.)
(Not for nothing, but I have a friend who would LOVE to be murdered by Shawnee Smith. And come to think of it, he’s also very into vikings. So, from an extremely limited and personal perspective, I’ve brought this whole thing full circle.)
Okay, so you’ve had your jaw ripped off by a reverse beartrap, thereby earning your place at St. Peter’s side. But this isn’t the clouds and angels version of Heaven, remember. This is the 1:1 Valhalla pastiche.
Now earlier, I made reference to the idea that Valhalla entails fighting a giant wolf.
That’s the Viking idea of paradise, mind you.
Which is why, even more than Satanism, Viking-ism is considered the most metal of religions.
(Also, they’ve got cooler hats)
At any rate, it took me a bit to determine the modern equivalent, but I think I’ve got it now.
In the new Christian Heaven, you ascend to the pearly gates, you find yourself playing out the last twenty minutes of Tango and Cash for all eternity.
And Jesus is Cash.
I hope you enjoy your new and improved Heaven.
Pryorball. 