We need to talk about Fergie, guys…
I’ve been on record as stating plainly and clearly that I believe the Black Eyed Peas are a conspiracy, engineered by the corporations in order to turn the American people into complete idiots. I really do picture them grinning evilly every time some idiot is out there dancing to their music while simultaneously trying not to drool on themselves
But I’m trying to be less cynical these days, and so I’ve given it some thought and now I have a new theory about the Black Eyed Peas. Granted, it still holds Fergie responsible for everything, but now I don’t think there’s any malice involved.
My current working theory is that Fergie is just a super positive and supportive person who genuinely doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong.
So in this new theory, the Black Eyed Peas brought in Fergie as a guest vocalist. And they were laying down some tracks. And during a break, Will.I.am was noodling around with a really stupid new beat. And Fergie overheard it and thought it was really good.
*DRAMATIC REENACTMENT*
FERGIE: What’s that you’re playing, Will-I-Am?
WILLIAM: It’s pronounced ‘William’. And this? Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just goofing around…
FERGIE: Well, I like it! I think it sounds great!
WILLIAM: Really? Everyone else tells me it’s stupid.
FERGIE: Well, you shouldn’t listen to them! You should make more stuff that sounds like that, Will-I-Am!
WILLIAM: Uh, again…. it’s William. But… wow, you really think it’s good?
FERGIE: Of course I do! Maybe it’s none of my business, but if you ask me, you should always be yourself and do what you think is best!
*END SCENE*
…This, of course, was the worst possible advice anybody could have given Will.I.Am…
Pryorball. 