It’s a sad day in the Hills, that’s for damn sure…
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have gathered here today to pay our final respects to the late, lamented Squishface, who was taken from us far too soon…”
“A breakup is not a funeral, Kyle…”
“Please, hold all your remembrances until after the eulogy has ended. Ahem… Squashface first came into our lives two years ago, at a house party in Reseda. It was love at first sight between Jerry and Squishface, and before long they were completely inseparable. Squishface even moved out of her ex-boyfriend Steve’s garage in order to get a place closer to Jerry. And for a time, all was bliss. But tragically, the happy times couldn’t last.”
“Marc–”
“–Shhh! We’re getting to the good part now. Squishface was a complicated woman. She had needs. Needs and ambitions. Needs and ambitions that, as it turned out, far outstripped the modest desires of poor Jerry, who had already lived the high life and found it wanting. This deep yearning in her soul led her to a private seminar held at a mansion in Brookside Park, where she was going to learn to access her Inner Glory and apply said Glory towards a mid-level marketing career. But instead, she wound up banging the Motivational Speaker so now she’s dead to us.”
“…”
“So here’s to you, Squishface. You’re a terrible human being, and you catch a case so that every time you take a piss, your Inner Glory burns with the heat of a thousand suns.”
“… Okay, too far, Kyle. Too far.”
“You’re right. That was over the line. I retract that last part. Still, fuck you Squishface.”
Pryorball. 